Down but not out (but try to pick me up)

This is going to be the most depressing thing you ever heard from me but I'm a time bomb waiting to explode. If I don't divulge anything now, I do not know how worse will i become later.

It's not that I do not have people to tell my problems with, not that they are untrustworthy, that I should risk even more by telling of my weaknesses on the world wide web. If anything, they are the people I trust they will understand or at least spend time to understand my problems whatever. I got a great advisor, great friends who will always be there for me. Praise God for them. Yet, right now, for some reason I don't feel ready to tell them anything. My soul overflows with the yearning to tell my latest problem, but I think I fear even if I tell them, they probably won't understand enough to give the correct encouragement or prayer. I'm scared that if that happens, I'll get worst but certainly not to the extent of suicidalness because as much as I feel so hopeless now, I still know my limits. I will never trade God's joy in me in turn for wordly pleasure.

I feel hopeless.
Really hopeless.
Yes, I, the respected, deemed as holy, Praise and Worship Coordinator of TMC MYF, class monitor of my class, looked-up-to person feels hopeless.

I don't seem to do anything right. (correction, excellently). I think this feeling started a long while ago during my Form 1 slump down the slide. Only this year did it heighten to a degree where it becomes unbearable and worst I don't seem to trust my pillars of hope, my friends anymore. I've told them before a little bit on this issue. Always, they help me get back on my feet all the time. Just that I don't want to wear them out with my constant depressions and feeling that to others will seem so insignificant. After all, they, like me are busy people. Nobody likes a depressing friend right?

My first deemed failure was in when I announced to the class about the final year class project we are doing. I didn't prepare well and I just threw the question to them whether they want it and what they want. I didn't tell them about the difficulties which choice they make bring, didn't tell them important things they should know. Then, I lead worship in church and poor planning again somewhat destroyed the music. Never once did my suboordinates did it so badly. While even singing I was looking at the clock as it ticks, hoping the night will end soon so that I can just go home and sleep.

After that was my Maths project that went to SEAMEO. I admit as hardworking as people think I am, I am not. I really did not try to hard enough although admitedly, we were on the wrong pedestal right from the start. I feel so angry at myself to always finish things so last minute and still think God will make a way. The same lesson I have experienced since my Form 1 slump from hardworkingness, fight, fight and fight from the start not only when it is too late. The climax was probably in Penang. During exhibition, I was so engross in self-pity Icouldn't bear even talking to them because of a reason I cannot divulge here. (To my partner, I never regretted joing the competition. I'm happy except for this part. It is not your fault nor anyone's fault). I have a habit of making it quickly to the top only to falter before the finish line. In choir, noboy shoots up to become conductor even before they know what choir is all about. In choir again, I went to the Olympics before I got a taste of inter-school. This time, the moment I knew a Science competition, I was already up against South-east Asian Elites. 3 times. 3 failures (I don't measure failure by medals).

After that I have my mentoring program in MYF. I was supposed to build a new and godly band WITH muscial background. I miss that most important part out during announcement. Half of the new team starts from scratch and it is hard to ask them to learn from outside first before coming in. I don't want to break any hearts but our trainers are simply not equiped to teach you rightly, just to help you become better musicians. I'm hard-presssed. Then I have my terrible monthly test. My chemistry got 51.. again.. I studied last minute.. again.. Who can help me if I don't help myself right?

I never in my entire life got a position lower than 20. I've never even scored a 50 plus except in my spelling test. I never lost to more than 3 guys since Primary 5. But all this I did. And not because of anyone else but my own undoing. Maybe pride came in and brought laziness with it. People warn me indirectly many times. I was just too complacent to hear. I am down .

I love to teach others, now I must be taught. I love to help others, now I must be helped. I love to comfort others but now I need to be motivated. I just hate it when my Praise and worship gets bad. Ijust hate it when all I achieve all this while is mediocrity. I just hate the fact I don't know what I am good at. I guess more accurately what I'm great at? But how can be great if I do not work hard? My piano, guitar, musical ability has all lost to my bro. I fully understand now why younger brothers often feel inferior to the older especially when the older seems too good and loved more. Don't get me wrong, my family does not practice favouritism. I just hate myself because my failures are not because I tried and failed but because I didn't try.

The worst is when people ask me what is my ambition. I .. I don't have any direction.. I despise going Form 6 because I do not want to study all the things I do not like and for some other reason I don't know. my friends are talking about courses and university and all I know is I don't know what am I going to do with my life.............................

Sounds really depressing and for only some small reasons right? This is why I don't feel confident telling people about this problem of mine. And why I rather have as little people know about my blog as possible. So that I can divulge things like this and hope that God send someone to speak to me by chance. I'm probably saying a lot of immature and unwise words but I rather be honest than to hide what I truly feel deep inside. In contrast, on the outside, I should probably be on a high at the moment. I'm respected as a choir teacher only second rank to Mdm. Luk and Ryner, I have just organised probably the first and smoothest Mentoring Program Orientation (or so it seems), the person I like actually considered me a good and caring friend who always lift her up when she is down. How's that, Jeremy, for success.

My God, My God, I know you would never forsake me.
Yet, I feel depressed to the point I can't even remember things and work efficiently anymore. My eyes are on the wrong things that my life is in a mess and spinning out of control. I surrender all Lord. BUT IT IS REALLY REALLY HARD AND I SIMPLY DO NOT HAVE THE FAITH TO CARRY ON ANYMORE. LOrd, have mercy. Speak to me. I still have a battle in SPM. DO not let me self-destruct just yet. I need my SPM. I need my life to be back on track :(


When I smile, not more from heart.
When I shine, no more source.
My smile is not superficial but neither real.
My light is only but rays leftover.

Dear reading friend, sad not be
I don't need advice or false encouragement.
I need someone who is daring to slap me back to my senses
To slap me so that I count my blessings once more
So that I reamin defeated no more.
Satan may seem to be effective in neutralizing my immense potential to stop him.
But Jeremy is not made of just dust. He is God's son.

(if you have any comments, be frank and constructive. Honest words never fail)

Penang-Great experience

(I will rearrange this post for better understanding.. sorry for the messiness)

Ah.. finally i'm back.. well actually.. i have been back a week already but i mean back blogging.

The trip to Penang has been a nice one indeed. It was an international competition. For some reason, i have constantly been joining international competitions although honestly, i am nothing near international class. It is by God's grace.

The flight to KL took an hour an 45 minutes. We took MAS this time as we are govenrment sponsored and boy, they have changed thier style of serving meals. It is no longer those fish or chicken, no longer those hot meals any more. Now, it meals are served in a uniformed lunch or dinner box. (too lazy to take a picture for you to see.. ha ha). The box looks very beautiful and the food tastes good too albeit being cold. They serve a sandwich and a popiah together with some fruits and a cup of plain water. Although it is not our typical local lunch, it is enough to make you full... for an hour..

The flight from KL-penang took 50 minutes with only peanuts provided. During that time a flight attendant got on my nerves. I was sitting at the front row of economy class and was putting my bag in front of me ( I didn't know i shouldn't). Just moments before take off, he spotted my bag and offered to put it in the compartment above. I was putting the things i took out but I guess i was a little slow, so he suddenly said: "5 seconds! 4, 3, 2". You could imagine me getting panicky so i decided to not put those stuff in and quickly handed the bag to him. He then smiled to me... ha ha.. I know he is trying to do his job, hadn't he smiled i would have taken his actions as disrespectful.

Upo arrival, a van came to pick us up from the airport. Together with several other delegates from Brunei and Cambodia, we headed off to SEAMEO-RECSAM.

Reception....

On our way there we could see flags everywhere, all about the impending elections where the results went the wrong way. Its great to be back after 3 months.

During the night, while most participants were busy preparing their speeches, guess what we went doing? We went shopping at Queensbay mall! Quite unexpected because you don't usually go shopping before competition. Guess that's why Batu Lintang is one of the best schools in Malaysia.

(For better pictures, check out my friendster account)

The next day started off briefing and setting up of our booths. Towards the afternoon, we went to Gurney Plaza! Also, throughout the day, we are provided with the main meals and tea-breaks but most of the time it is spicy food so I couldn't eat much.

The 2nd day was the actually competition day-presentation as we call it. It is actually like oral. Just present your findings and others will ask you questions. All of us (Nat, Liew, Ryner, Amb and I) did well but the best is still Ernest's. If you were there, you will laugh till your teeth drop. He was so nervous, making him so hilarious and witty, even the Cambodians who do not speak good english also laughed. In simple words, he sent the crowd in a FRENZY. Imagine just saying the word Mircosoft Excel is enough to make people laugh. That is what happens when pressure becomes a positive energy.

The third day was judging day for our booths. We went into the booth room one by one to be interviewed by our judges. We only have 10 minutes each. Ambrose and I did knida ok if you asked me although I think I looked a little not confident. Anyways, it was all over by noon. After that we went on our Penang island tour.

Look at the words, not the guy..

It was a tour a recommend you not joining if you get car sick easily. This is because, in other to go around the Island, you have no choice but to use a windy path up to the hills where of course you will be treated with great scenery but beware of the dizziness in store for you.. or at least me.. The bus made only 4 stops, and mostly on the road. I nearly vomitted. The bright side is that I made new friends on the trip as i get to sit with different people. One is a girl from vietnam called Thu. At first i thought her name is Two because she introduced herself saying:" My name is Thu, like the number 2" . Then I asked her if it really is spelt Two, she said it was spelt Thu. she says Vietnamese like to sing. And true enough they were singing during the trip. She is from Vietnam High School for Gifted Students. Cool right? At first I thought gifted means disabled.. wrong concept.. ha hs.. From what I heard from her, Vietnam is filled with buddhist. I don't even think she heard of Christians before but she seemed to know Yesu or Jesus in chinese. My only regret being friends with her is that i didn't share the gospel with her.

Another new friend i made was Gary. He is from Singapore and is the only Christian around from the country to participate. He doesn't seem like a nominal Christian from my conversation with him. He says although City Harvest Church is huge, a lot of teens just go there because of their great bands and not because of God. That's sad.

The final new friend i made on the trip was Smey from Cambodia. He is a Buddhist too. Regretfully i was too sick to talk to him. I could not understand him anyways.

Oh ya, before forgetting, i also met a teacher from the Philipines. His name is June. June is sociable and friendly guy. Christian too though he hops from church to church. We talked about the education system there. Guess what . Their elite school students studies from 7am to 7pm every weekday. Count us Malaysians lucky. They even have Research as a subject.

During the night, we went to New World Park for dinner. Great food there but I overeaten so I threw up some of my stomach's contents. Ooops!

Penang, here I come

I'm off to Penang for a week.. Yay!