Down but not out (but try to pick me up)

This is going to be the most depressing thing you ever heard from me but I'm a time bomb waiting to explode. If I don't divulge anything now, I do not know how worse will i become later.

It's not that I do not have people to tell my problems with, not that they are untrustworthy, that I should risk even more by telling of my weaknesses on the world wide web. If anything, they are the people I trust they will understand or at least spend time to understand my problems whatever. I got a great advisor, great friends who will always be there for me. Praise God for them. Yet, right now, for some reason I don't feel ready to tell them anything. My soul overflows with the yearning to tell my latest problem, but I think I fear even if I tell them, they probably won't understand enough to give the correct encouragement or prayer. I'm scared that if that happens, I'll get worst but certainly not to the extent of suicidalness because as much as I feel so hopeless now, I still know my limits. I will never trade God's joy in me in turn for wordly pleasure.

I feel hopeless.
Really hopeless.
Yes, I, the respected, deemed as holy, Praise and Worship Coordinator of TMC MYF, class monitor of my class, looked-up-to person feels hopeless.

I don't seem to do anything right. (correction, excellently). I think this feeling started a long while ago during my Form 1 slump down the slide. Only this year did it heighten to a degree where it becomes unbearable and worst I don't seem to trust my pillars of hope, my friends anymore. I've told them before a little bit on this issue. Always, they help me get back on my feet all the time. Just that I don't want to wear them out with my constant depressions and feeling that to others will seem so insignificant. After all, they, like me are busy people. Nobody likes a depressing friend right?

My first deemed failure was in when I announced to the class about the final year class project we are doing. I didn't prepare well and I just threw the question to them whether they want it and what they want. I didn't tell them about the difficulties which choice they make bring, didn't tell them important things they should know. Then, I lead worship in church and poor planning again somewhat destroyed the music. Never once did my suboordinates did it so badly. While even singing I was looking at the clock as it ticks, hoping the night will end soon so that I can just go home and sleep.

After that was my Maths project that went to SEAMEO. I admit as hardworking as people think I am, I am not. I really did not try to hard enough although admitedly, we were on the wrong pedestal right from the start. I feel so angry at myself to always finish things so last minute and still think God will make a way. The same lesson I have experienced since my Form 1 slump from hardworkingness, fight, fight and fight from the start not only when it is too late. The climax was probably in Penang. During exhibition, I was so engross in self-pity Icouldn't bear even talking to them because of a reason I cannot divulge here. (To my partner, I never regretted joing the competition. I'm happy except for this part. It is not your fault nor anyone's fault). I have a habit of making it quickly to the top only to falter before the finish line. In choir, noboy shoots up to become conductor even before they know what choir is all about. In choir again, I went to the Olympics before I got a taste of inter-school. This time, the moment I knew a Science competition, I was already up against South-east Asian Elites. 3 times. 3 failures (I don't measure failure by medals).

After that I have my mentoring program in MYF. I was supposed to build a new and godly band WITH muscial background. I miss that most important part out during announcement. Half of the new team starts from scratch and it is hard to ask them to learn from outside first before coming in. I don't want to break any hearts but our trainers are simply not equiped to teach you rightly, just to help you become better musicians. I'm hard-presssed. Then I have my terrible monthly test. My chemistry got 51.. again.. I studied last minute.. again.. Who can help me if I don't help myself right?

I never in my entire life got a position lower than 20. I've never even scored a 50 plus except in my spelling test. I never lost to more than 3 guys since Primary 5. But all this I did. And not because of anyone else but my own undoing. Maybe pride came in and brought laziness with it. People warn me indirectly many times. I was just too complacent to hear. I am down .

I love to teach others, now I must be taught. I love to help others, now I must be helped. I love to comfort others but now I need to be motivated. I just hate it when my Praise and worship gets bad. Ijust hate it when all I achieve all this while is mediocrity. I just hate the fact I don't know what I am good at. I guess more accurately what I'm great at? But how can be great if I do not work hard? My piano, guitar, musical ability has all lost to my bro. I fully understand now why younger brothers often feel inferior to the older especially when the older seems too good and loved more. Don't get me wrong, my family does not practice favouritism. I just hate myself because my failures are not because I tried and failed but because I didn't try.

The worst is when people ask me what is my ambition. I .. I don't have any direction.. I despise going Form 6 because I do not want to study all the things I do not like and for some other reason I don't know. my friends are talking about courses and university and all I know is I don't know what am I going to do with my life.............................

Sounds really depressing and for only some small reasons right? This is why I don't feel confident telling people about this problem of mine. And why I rather have as little people know about my blog as possible. So that I can divulge things like this and hope that God send someone to speak to me by chance. I'm probably saying a lot of immature and unwise words but I rather be honest than to hide what I truly feel deep inside. In contrast, on the outside, I should probably be on a high at the moment. I'm respected as a choir teacher only second rank to Mdm. Luk and Ryner, I have just organised probably the first and smoothest Mentoring Program Orientation (or so it seems), the person I like actually considered me a good and caring friend who always lift her up when she is down. How's that, Jeremy, for success.

My God, My God, I know you would never forsake me.
Yet, I feel depressed to the point I can't even remember things and work efficiently anymore. My eyes are on the wrong things that my life is in a mess and spinning out of control. I surrender all Lord. BUT IT IS REALLY REALLY HARD AND I SIMPLY DO NOT HAVE THE FAITH TO CARRY ON ANYMORE. LOrd, have mercy. Speak to me. I still have a battle in SPM. DO not let me self-destruct just yet. I need my SPM. I need my life to be back on track :(


When I smile, not more from heart.
When I shine, no more source.
My smile is not superficial but neither real.
My light is only but rays leftover.

Dear reading friend, sad not be
I don't need advice or false encouragement.
I need someone who is daring to slap me back to my senses
To slap me so that I count my blessings once more
So that I reamin defeated no more.
Satan may seem to be effective in neutralizing my immense potential to stop him.
But Jeremy is not made of just dust. He is God's son.

(if you have any comments, be frank and constructive. Honest words never fail)

Penang-Great experience

(I will rearrange this post for better understanding.. sorry for the messiness)

Ah.. finally i'm back.. well actually.. i have been back a week already but i mean back blogging.

The trip to Penang has been a nice one indeed. It was an international competition. For some reason, i have constantly been joining international competitions although honestly, i am nothing near international class. It is by God's grace.

The flight to KL took an hour an 45 minutes. We took MAS this time as we are govenrment sponsored and boy, they have changed thier style of serving meals. It is no longer those fish or chicken, no longer those hot meals any more. Now, it meals are served in a uniformed lunch or dinner box. (too lazy to take a picture for you to see.. ha ha). The box looks very beautiful and the food tastes good too albeit being cold. They serve a sandwich and a popiah together with some fruits and a cup of plain water. Although it is not our typical local lunch, it is enough to make you full... for an hour..

The flight from KL-penang took 50 minutes with only peanuts provided. During that time a flight attendant got on my nerves. I was sitting at the front row of economy class and was putting my bag in front of me ( I didn't know i shouldn't). Just moments before take off, he spotted my bag and offered to put it in the compartment above. I was putting the things i took out but I guess i was a little slow, so he suddenly said: "5 seconds! 4, 3, 2". You could imagine me getting panicky so i decided to not put those stuff in and quickly handed the bag to him. He then smiled to me... ha ha.. I know he is trying to do his job, hadn't he smiled i would have taken his actions as disrespectful.

Upo arrival, a van came to pick us up from the airport. Together with several other delegates from Brunei and Cambodia, we headed off to SEAMEO-RECSAM.

Reception....

On our way there we could see flags everywhere, all about the impending elections where the results went the wrong way. Its great to be back after 3 months.

During the night, while most participants were busy preparing their speeches, guess what we went doing? We went shopping at Queensbay mall! Quite unexpected because you don't usually go shopping before competition. Guess that's why Batu Lintang is one of the best schools in Malaysia.

(For better pictures, check out my friendster account)

The next day started off briefing and setting up of our booths. Towards the afternoon, we went to Gurney Plaza! Also, throughout the day, we are provided with the main meals and tea-breaks but most of the time it is spicy food so I couldn't eat much.

The 2nd day was the actually competition day-presentation as we call it. It is actually like oral. Just present your findings and others will ask you questions. All of us (Nat, Liew, Ryner, Amb and I) did well but the best is still Ernest's. If you were there, you will laugh till your teeth drop. He was so nervous, making him so hilarious and witty, even the Cambodians who do not speak good english also laughed. In simple words, he sent the crowd in a FRENZY. Imagine just saying the word Mircosoft Excel is enough to make people laugh. That is what happens when pressure becomes a positive energy.

The third day was judging day for our booths. We went into the booth room one by one to be interviewed by our judges. We only have 10 minutes each. Ambrose and I did knida ok if you asked me although I think I looked a little not confident. Anyways, it was all over by noon. After that we went on our Penang island tour.

Look at the words, not the guy..

It was a tour a recommend you not joining if you get car sick easily. This is because, in other to go around the Island, you have no choice but to use a windy path up to the hills where of course you will be treated with great scenery but beware of the dizziness in store for you.. or at least me.. The bus made only 4 stops, and mostly on the road. I nearly vomitted. The bright side is that I made new friends on the trip as i get to sit with different people. One is a girl from vietnam called Thu. At first i thought her name is Two because she introduced herself saying:" My name is Thu, like the number 2" . Then I asked her if it really is spelt Two, she said it was spelt Thu. she says Vietnamese like to sing. And true enough they were singing during the trip. She is from Vietnam High School for Gifted Students. Cool right? At first I thought gifted means disabled.. wrong concept.. ha hs.. From what I heard from her, Vietnam is filled with buddhist. I don't even think she heard of Christians before but she seemed to know Yesu or Jesus in chinese. My only regret being friends with her is that i didn't share the gospel with her.

Another new friend i made was Gary. He is from Singapore and is the only Christian around from the country to participate. He doesn't seem like a nominal Christian from my conversation with him. He says although City Harvest Church is huge, a lot of teens just go there because of their great bands and not because of God. That's sad.

The final new friend i made on the trip was Smey from Cambodia. He is a Buddhist too. Regretfully i was too sick to talk to him. I could not understand him anyways.

Oh ya, before forgetting, i also met a teacher from the Philipines. His name is June. June is sociable and friendly guy. Christian too though he hops from church to church. We talked about the education system there. Guess what . Their elite school students studies from 7am to 7pm every weekday. Count us Malaysians lucky. They even have Research as a subject.

During the night, we went to New World Park for dinner. Great food there but I overeaten so I threw up some of my stomach's contents. Ooops!

Penang, here I come

I'm off to Penang for a week.. Yay!

Return, please, return!

Every time I look at you, I don't know what to do
Living my life as if it only was for you
All I know is that your smile paint will my life colourful
Inside is a burning desire for you
Now yet all i want to do is to see you ever
Ever only leaning on the Lord eternally

Love God, my dear
Iluminate those around with His light
Never let the weeds of the world choke you
God wants to come in your life

Lean on the Lord
I only want to see

Fight this good fight of faith
Even though Idesire even more
Never turn away oh love
God's daughter, that's all I ask of you.

Of time and Friendship

Finally i'm done with my SEAMEO project. Welll, not actually done but finished the paper work. For the first time i get to visit teacher during CNY, too bad is too complete this project. But at least got ang pau and yummy home-made cheese cake. So teachers are really good in this baking thing.

If the past week i have been busy, the next 4 weeks till the quarterly hols i will still be the same. This Fri I'll be conducting in front of the CM for some scholarship function. Next week, i'll have my monthly test for 3 days. And the week after, i may have to be tested on oral (pair work with Abdul Rashid). The following week i'm off to Penang for the SEAMEO competition. Oh ya, did i mention that we'll also have to prepare the posters and presentation for SEAMEO? That'll eat a lot of time.

There's actually one more activity which i'm not sure whether its a blessing in disguise or not. You know, me being busy and lazy, i didn't do much to the class deco recently. So PM and BI teacher can only lament the "unconducisiveness" everytime they enter the class. Surprisingly today, PM teacher decided to take some action. Using the name of laporan sahsiah (the most dreaded report book in history), she ask that we form groups of 4 or 5. Our assignment is to adopt a corner of the class and by friday, transform that area into something presentable. Wow.. It is unexpected that she would be the one to mobilise the entire class to embark on something like that. I've no qualms. Just that i also have to get my hands in the mud. But i guess its ok, right?

Looking back the past one and a half month, i reflect upon my friendship report book that i keep mentally. Again there are some changes, with some growing closer and some further apart. One thing i discovered is that friendship, no matter how strong it was in the past, will corrode if not maintained. The key is not exactly distance. I'm so far from my cat friend and i still think we are close. Rather, the key is communication. No relationship can survive without communication. Of course my friendship pattern has changed over the years. 4 years ago, i'm lop-sided towards the guys. At least now, i got a balance number of good friends from both sexes. It's kinda good. I'm making more new friends and easier too. Praise God for the change. I thank God that my best friends are still rather close to me but there someone whom i really want to include in my inner circle but have failed miserably despite more than 16 months of "effort". "Effort" because i didn't try hard enough. Yet I wonder if that is the main reason. I guess, patience is the key huh? The inclusion of this friend will make my inner-circle complete.

Time is certainly running out for me. In all aspects (friendship, evangelism, SPM, assignments, etc..). Keep praying for me!

Love.
This topic was discussed on Thursday during English. Ha ha.. you guessed it.. it was ignited by none other that that class chatterbox.

It all started when he asked teacher, how does the emotional thing happen between a boy and girl? He was wondering, how can such a coincidence where one will like the own will exist. Amazing isn't it?

And teacher answered, "Boy plus girl equals love", only for him to add: "And then break-up." This is when the discussion began.

So teacher began asking around for our opinions. She was wondering if we are as pessimistic as Ryner. Do we all think there is no true love in this world?

I can't really remember what are the responses of the few that answered but i'll try my best to tell. For one, ernie answered that love is a waste of time. Bernard said there is no true love. Willie said no comment. But as the question goes around, i was so hopeful that it will eventually come to me because i have lot's to share. But to no avail.

Yet what will i answer? I guess this is what i'll say.

Love is confusion, and complication especially at the starting stages. You will have uncertainty of whether one likes the other. Even when you are really in a relationship, it is not gonna be any easier. But even as love is confusing and complicated, i must say that love is the most beautiful thing (besides God's love that is).

Well, these are based on my experience only. .. ha ha.. and i'm not exactly in typing mood now, hence the boring narration.. sorry bout that... well... let me hit the climax before ending.

My main criteria of a wife:

1. Must love God more than me ( i can't risk the wrath of God on her)
2. Must love my parents (or i'll be torn between the two)
3. Must know how to cook (of course la.. or we'll be hungry..)
4. Must have character (i don't mind if you're not beautiful or bad-tempered.. but if you don't have a heart, please don't look for me.. ha ha..)
5. Must be family-oriented (you know la.. family comes before work)
6. Must know how to talk and listen to introverts like me (i don't want my home to be a library but if you talk too much.. err.. let's say it ain"t good)

God is good.

It's been ages since i added anything.. was really busy man... but i try to make it a point now to update at least once a week for your sake, especially my faraway friend..

The year started off missing two of my best friends. One went to Taiwan, the other to some more modern place called Banting. I was a little not use to it. For the past week or so, my confidence level has suddenly dropped so low, and i was so under a pressure of nowhere. I mean, what is so pressuring about being a class monitor, or worship coordinator or even doing a maths project for SEAMEO. Of course i can't deny the fact that pressure exist but the build-up over the last week was unbearable, I could have broken down any time.

My cat friend that went to the "modern" place was my prayer partner, my only. Just in case you didn't know, prayer is what sustains me during times of stress. When I feel bad, a lot of times i will sms as many faithful friends as possible to ask for prayer support but the best kind of prayer partner that i like is the one who can prayer for me and with me, though sms is also ok.
Fortunately, God gave me one more person whom i can pour out my all. So last Friday, i just poured out everything inside me. My worries, pressure, feelings. I talked for about 5 minutes non-stop, saying everything. How often will people hear me do that? But i realised in order to break free, i have to ask for support from a friend. Praise the Lord for friends!
This week, my "taiwan" friend has returned, offering me more hope and especially that i have more prayer warriors as my backbone. I also feel much more confident and relaxed now after my period of pouring out to my friends and God (during Saturday). Thank God for friends and fellowship with Him.
After those set-backs i made a point to be more joyful and confident. Oh ya, did i mention an incident? Nah... listen up then.. miraculously, on Friday night during my guitar lesson, my teacher who rarely speaks life issues talked about handling tough times and stressed. He talked about always thinking of big problems as small problems which i find so true now because with God, there is no big problems. Of course, he also talked about watching funny movies on You-tube to relieve stress but that is irrelevant here.
So I will do my best by God's grace upon me to not only be a shining light, but also to be a joyful light, not too dim and not too bright. As a frind says his pastor puts it, who would want to come to Jesus if all they see if some forlorn and depressed figure who claims he wants to righteous all the time? He's got a point. Righteousness is important but without joy that ain't Christianity. Joy that comes from God, love that is inspired by Him and righteousness that comes from faith is what makes Jesus the true way. Anything superficial must go.
I guess thatz all for now. By the way, i'm getting sick. So are people around me. Pray for us! Bye!