Everything I hoped for, longed for and desire

Everything i hoped for
Longed for and desire
Alternatives just won't do
I tried I search but maybe not enough
Nevertheless how much will do?
Everything i hoped for, longed for and desire

I am whom God created, in His likeness but not like Him

Nowhere have i found
Everything i hoped for longed for and desire
Everything from my in most being
Daddy in heaven, why so far?

Yes, I believe Your Word holds true
Over the years i can testify
Under Your hand how much i've grown

Thank you for the good times, the bad times, the best times
Over the years I can testify

Lord, speak Your servant needs the truth more now
Intrigued, confused, needing a guide
Save me from destructive lies
Then I can be strong to serve again
Everything I hoped, for longed and desire
Now would You reignited my fire?

!

:(

Desert-- Poem

The desert the seeker marched to a desert indeed
Looking for miracles what water can he heed?
Those that he find its all about leak
Besides the sun that he finds, is all other light bleak?

The sandstorms fly, the dust surrounds
Solutions are few, darkness abounds
In are the noise gone are the sounds
Need to watch my step as many are the hounds

At a place called Massah, or even at Meribah
Besides stones and rocks, is there a redeemer?
The deserts where Israel lost the hope of a winner
Shall the seeker hope to better and a dinner?

Moses found it tough to lead these people
Complaints and arguing his face must be pimples
But everytime he cried out a prayer of the simple
Help was on the way,his face shone bright with a sizzle

Fatigue sets in as he lost his way
His guiding compass doesn't seem to say
The water he searched and the water he lost
Why did he choose this path to the sandstorm be tossed?

He thought of the people who depended on him
But that memory of them is becoming dim
Has he depend his strength to limp
Isn't all strength coming from Him?

Has he chosen the wrong path or maybe the wrong person
Is he trying to act a hero but now is a treason
Why are there no oasis to rest and to bless
Didn't thou hast promised to give more not less?

The desert of friendship, the desert of paths
Wondering around will it be 40 years of the devils laughs?
Is this all true or has the sand gotten in the eyes
Is this a mirage, a barrage of lies?

Speak to me Lord and open my eyes
Speak me the truth, expose all the lies
I fatigued and lost, nowhere to go
I need your water, O' living hope

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But holy lean on Jesus name

On Christ the solid rock i stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

Changes

Form 6 structure is changing. Will tell more when confirmed. I've become a prefect now. And i rejected a lucrative offer to give tuition. Busy. Exams' in 2 days. Steady your oars, Jeremy! You can pull through this storm! Pray for me. To rise on wings like eagles. Tired. Here's a song to share. Beautiful song.

Still

Alabaster Jar

I toiled the sun in sweat and blood

I mustered couraged ready to flood

But have my efforts gone to waste?

Why is the fruits not of my taste?

Jonah grumbled at the sweltering heat

He was angry and took the beat

God sprouted a tree to overshadow him

Just as quick as it came the tree became limp

Why? Asked the ungrateful Jonah

Don't you know now its sauna?

Why? Asked God is His awesome power

The tree is my right its not your flower

I have now one alabaster jar

It's worth more precious than a thousand cars

It's oil has fermented, became great wine

I seriously thought it was time to dine

Then time shook its head gently told me no

I went my way, i asked him "so"?

He rang louder telling me not yet

"It is my will and it is set"

Why? Asked the one to feast

You know my desire, you're the last of my least

Why? God answered in awesome power

Do you hold to the jar, not the jars i'll shower?

What i learnt in ISCF today is that when an acrobat swings from one spot to the other, there's no way he can hold on to the string and expect to reach the other end. There's also no way, he can depend on himself to get across. The only simple but most difficult thing he needs to do is this: let go of the string and by faith know that his partner will safely catch him.

I know God is waiting on the other side. I know the hands of God are safe. I know he'l catch me. But can i let this string go?

Time will tell.

Despite this, i'm convinced of one thing: That letting this go will result in 2 fold, 3-fold or even a hundred-fold blessings.

By faith.

Form 6

With all friends starting to head off to our own separate ways, and all the feel-good factor of spm-ending starts to die down, reality starts to set in -- I'm in form 6.

For some, form 6 is like a new 4-letter word with a number, for others they just had no choice. For me, it may start to seem like it also. But everyday, i'm just reminded of the reason why i am here and it isn't got anything to do with not getting JPA. And i'm reminded of the very words i so wanted to tell a certain college agent who said that i should go A-levels because form 6 students aren't usually motivated: that motivation comes from within and not without.

Many wonder why i'm here. Many gave me a "you don't deserve" this body language whenever i say i'm in form 6. Sometimes this discourages me, to be honest. Straight A student in form 6? Why not? It's not like i'm doing something illegal right? STPM takes me to local and overseas too. Is it just mere perception or truth that something is wrong with students in form 6.

Form 6 wasn't my last choice. Probably it was my escape route, to buy me 1 and a half years more to think and decide on what i want to do. Yes, i'm staying not because nobody wants me but because i don't know who i want yet. Would it be psychology, counseling, theology or teaching? Medicine or human resource management? Then people would go:"Straight A student study all that?!" except for medicine.

Really blur now. Form 6 starting to get tough and my homework are lagging behind schedule. I hope it ends soon. But not because it's bad. But because i can't wait to grow up, can't wait to be an independent adult, can't wait to get down to work. But for now, it's still loooooonnnnggggg... Come to think of it, if 14 years of Jacob waiting for Rachel aint long, can 14 months be long? maybe.. haha..

I have decided.

No matter what skeptics say.

No matter how weird people think i am.

I'm going to make form 6 the best years in my life at school. I'm going to learn new skills, make new friends, help more people, impact more lives and get that dreaded 4.0 for STPM. I may not be growing physically anymore but this will be the time i'll grow as strong as i can as a man, as bright as i can as a Christian and live a life of an overcomer! This is my dream. I will not let my 1 half years be wasted on self-pitying or even just homework. Form 6! You are no match for me! (actually the God in me). Do pray for me.. i'll need all the inspiration and motivation i can get. For all friends who are studying already: we may be running a different race, on a different track, in a different field but may we all meet again. See you at the finish line!

The latest song i like

ALABASTER JAR
This alabaster jar
Is all I have of worth
I break it at Your feet Lord
It's less than You deserve
You're far more beautiful
More precious than the oil
The sum of my desires
And the fullness of my joy

Like You spilled Your blood
I spilled my heart
As an offering to my King

Here I am take me
As an offering
Here I am giving
Every heartbeat for Your glory
Take me, take me

This time that I have left
Is all I have of worth
I lay it at Your feet Lord
It's less than You deserve
And though I've lived astray
And though my days are few
You gave Your life for me
So I will live my life for You

Like you spilled your blood
I spilled my heart
As an offering to my King

Here I am take me
As an offering
Here I am giving
Every heartbeat for your glory
Take me

Worthy, worthy, You are worthy
Worthy is the Lord


*I don't feel comfortable with the part that says "I spill my heart". This phrase sounds quite overstating giving of your heart. Other than that, this song is meaningful.

Updates

I'm so blur now.. down with the flu and laziness bug.. Mountains of work awaits.. what else could happen? I nearly even forgot i have a blog. So far, i'm just managing to survive. Aiks! That's bad. Must get down back to work mode after refreshing vacations from KL and Sematan which probably made me so weak i'm down with horrible flu which nearly cause me to faint.

Just a few updates:

The KL trip was the my most enjoyable trip with the choir. I never felt so happy in spite of being scolded badly for a mistake i deserve. It was probably the only or at least one of the only trip where i felt i belonged to the team. In the past, team trips usually causes me to feel alone because i somehow couldn't mix with the others even with my best friends in there. While the rest are all play and sleeping late, I would be the only one in the quietest room (my own room) getting ready to sleep. I always feared that I would be labelled anti-social because i don't hang out with others to play cards or strip-UNO. Yet, strangely, its this "anti-social" habit of mine that enables me to get close to people feeling down or lonely too although chances are rare.

This trip is a trip where i can mingle with the others. Honestly i never expected that because this time all my best friends are not in the choir. I nearly thought i would be lonely again. How wrong i am. This trip turn out to be my happiest moments. Maybe it's because i prefer mingling with junior people where i don't feel so inferior. The seniors were very friendly too. I guess our personality clicked and i was given a sense of importance. Best of all, my room mate even slept earlier and woke up earlier than me! I was amazed. In the past, i needed to wake them up. I salute the guy.

This is my second Malaysian Choral Eistedfodd (formerly Young Singers Choral Festival). My first wasn't a pleasant experience. I was junior conductor at that time, leading a whole group of newbies. Being not so musically inclined, my conductor was anything but good. So imagine the fear, the rebukes and the i'm-not-up-to-expectations feeling. Worst is that just months before, the choir performed with the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra-- now this conductor came? How contrasting is this MCE. I can only praise the Lord for giving me this experience. To add cherry to the cream, choir got a silver diploma, betterring the result during the World Choir Games. (did i mention the presence of Phillipines in the competition greatly increases the value of my co-curricular marks.. yay!)

Conclusion: Love it!

The Sematan Palm beach Worship and Music Camp on 8th to 10th June was another eye opener. This time it in terms of worship . Dr Myrleene Yap was our speaker for the camp. She's a W&M lecturer at Singapore Bible College. It's the first time i learnt so much about worship. She added a whole new dimension to my understanding of worship. Another speaker was Alma. She seems to be able to prophecy. If Dr. Yap brought understanding, she brought power. Another choral workshop speaker was Miss Wong, my conducting teacher in form 2 during conducting course. She brought fun. Last but not least is Uncle Tracy, our very own music director. He brought a personal touch to the camp.

I jotted down many notes about what worship is and isn't but i remember vividly a few very clearly. One quote that i understood but this time strikes me most was

"Worship Brings Transformation"

Another note that struck me was the part where David wanted to buy a plot of land in order to build an altar to God and said this:

"I Will not Offer to God what costs me nothing"

These 2 quotes spoke volumes to me. I just pray that people can see that worship does bring transformation in me and that from now on, i'll never give God my left overs ever again. Amen!