Piano exam, faith and encouragement

Piano exam!! Today!!! Although I admit I have not perfected anything yet, I'm pretty much prepared. In fact, this is the first time i practiced so hard. In the past, I barely could memorise anything. Now, I can memorise almost half of each of my songs.

Just a week ago i was ultra low on confidence. No thanks to my imperfections in playing the piano plus aural and scales, my traditional stronghold. I was wanting to pour out my feelings to someone but i guess people don't see how bad it can be. Even the special one did not.

So I thought this was it. I tried my best anyways, sadly. Till...

It was this Monday. Ryner surprisingly just jumped at me started a new "philosophy"-well, based on the Bible. He calls it the "Confession of The Word". It works practically like this: Everyday he would go to someone and speak truth and encouragement into someone's life. This is not to make them feel better or anything. In fact it is to fill them with the truth that they will dwell on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, anythig that is praiseworthy or excellent and let the truth set them free.

So he was coming to me and going all how God will guide me in my piano exam and that many times even in prayer we focus on the problems instead of the power of God. We pray: Dear Lord, perfect my scales, aural, pieces, ... bla bla bla... In Jesus name, Amen. So what are we thinking of? Our problems. But when we turn our eyes on Jesus, to focus on His greatness and take our eyes of our problems, that is when we can say in faith that we can do it. How true.

One logic he gives is this: If I say the word "Orange", the first thing that comes to your mind is surely orange and not apple, right?. Therefore, if we keep saying we are not good, we will strive to be good?

He inspired me. I went on that night to perform my best pieces in one year. But last night i flunked again due to tiredness. bUt I believe today will be different. Not because i'm less tired but because the hand of God is with me.I believe that. I admit, i'm fearful of what if my hopes is placed in the wrong position? I will fall greatly just like in choir. But I guess this is what faith is all about. It is about committing all our worries and our fears to one Awesome God. The higher risk, the greater the faith, the more God will be glorified.

THE MESSAGE

EVEN AS I MADE THOSE FOOD
LEAVING A LOVE AND A MESSAGE IN
ANOTHER SALAD ANOTHER SUSHI
I ASK MYSELF WHAT AM I DOING ACTUALLY?
NEVER HAD I SACRIFICED AS SUCH
EVER HAD I KNOWN A LIFE SO MUCH

IMMANUEL SHINE IN, SHINE THROUGH ME

DEEDS ARE NOTHING
IF FROM A SELFISH HEART
DEEDS ARE NOTHING

IMMANUEL SHINE IN, SHINE THROUGH ME
TO BLESS YOUR PEOPLE

FOREVER I AM SAVED
ONLY BY GOD'S GRACE
REVEAL YOUR WILL O' LORD

YES LORD I AM HERE
ONLY AT YOUR SERVICE
UNDER YOUR LOVING CARE

ANOINT ME WITH YOUR WORD
MEET ME IN MY PRAYER
EVER JUST LET ME KNOW
NEEDS, FUTURE MY LIFE LOVE YOU WILL SOW

Of thanksgiving, petition and lessons.

School holidays!!! No!!!
.. ha ha.. anyways... it's school hols again.. exams are over... again..
There are several good news coming during the hols. First of all, sam is coming back! (not that I'm that happy.. lol.. just joking).. Next, its the hols again (which means I'll prob switch to lazy mode again esp without choir). Then, its going to be my favourite month of the year- June (you better tell me you know why!)! Of course let's not forget it is going to be a time of resting, rejuvenating, revision and restructuring.

Ok, before I enter into my holidays, I have to publicly count my blessings for the Lord has done in my life over the past 3 weeks:

1. Thank you Jesus for guiding my conducting on May 20th (State-level Teacher's Day Celebration)
2. Thank you God for giving me a good brain.
3. Thank you for guiding me in my relationships with others and enriching them
4. Thank you for keeping me and her healthy
5. Thank you for always being there for me when I needed you.

But forgive me for:

1. Losing my focus on you even in church
2. Not being serious in my exam
3. Not loving others as I should (esp those whom people stay away from)
4. Unintentionally always seeking glory for myself and not you

Well, God has taught me a lot during these 3 weeks too. One lesson is that I should never guess a person's intentions or thinking. It is always best to go directly to him or her and ask, lest we misunderstand. I nearly threw away 2 friendships because I thought I was not important to him/her. Another lesson is that I must strive in order to succeed. I guess God has tried to tell me this ages ago but I never could accept the fact that success does not come without hard work. Another lesson is, it is always good to encourage others. Although sometimes some people are not actually sad but just look sad, its no harm done to go and encourage them. Even if its a false alarm, its still nice to know someonew cares.

Latest favorite song

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

True Love Waits Rally

When I left my church on the night of 26th April, I left with mixed emotions. On one hand I was thrilled someone special came and sat beside me to support me although she doesn't know how encouraged I was. On the other hand, the lack of encouragement from my church members left me wondering if I sang well enough to make an impact on the people that came to the talk that night.
True Love Waits. That was the theme of the night and the theme song that was composed by my sister and lyrics written by me. The night started off with that song which I had grown to endear myself to. My duet partner Jocelyn kicked it off by singing the verse and prechorus so beautifully, and I, drawing on all the emotion and strength I could get from the Almighty one and special one, sang the chorus. I could see the smile on her face at the sometimes when she looked at me. I would have looked at her longer if I could without raising suspicions.
Then, came the tambourine dances proceeded by the P&W. It was good to praise God together with 400+ youths, especially during action songs like Now That You're Near. We had fun and praise. Although it was short as I felt I had to save time for the more important stuff of the night, it was great to worship and lead worship in such a big setting. Praise God for giving me peace. May His name be praised.
The talk lasted 40 minutes or so and it was really funny to have Rev. Dr. Tie to be our speaker that night. He spoke on the need for purity and things to look out for. After that, it was the dance of the True LOve Waits Song and drama and Q&A and the end. We got free gifts that bears TLW that reminded us that True LOve Really Waits. Oh, we also signed a pledge.
My point is usually after singing there'll be tons of people saying well done and stuff like that but that night, there wasn't. Like I did something wrong. But looking back I thank God, only 2 did because indeeed it should be God that is glorified, not His servant. Indeed, from composing the song till the last word of the night, it is not about us impacting the 400+youths. It is God. The fact that we still can draw so many people in spite of the clash of dates with ER is a miracle.
Yes, I admit I was disappointed I wasn't glorified but you can see how stupid I was. It's just one of my flaws that I need cleansing by Jesus from. I'm not perfect! But may God empower me to be more and more like Him.
So what's up in my life? Important dates:
1. 10 May: Exam!!!!!
2. 17 May: Sis Birthday
3. 18 May: One of good friend's birthday
4. 20 May: State level teacher's day celebration! (I'm co-conducting with Wee Cheng)
5: 24 May: Someone long lost is coming home!
6: June Holidays:
7. 14 June: Those who don't know this date need to know me better. (wonder how many presents will I get?)

And pray for my exams, especially. I'm so distracted by something I can't say here and many other things. I need to focus! I still don't understand time efficiency. Five years of laziness is not easy to change.

Go and victorious?

"Go and be victorious."
4 words ever so popular in the Old Testament. I thought it will remain in the old testament but strangely enough I heard it again. And for a moment I thought it was God who was speaking to me.
It was an hour before the choir competition started. At first I was a little cautious but I nearly could confirm it was the voice of God. Weirdly, I didn't realise i was still restless nevertheless. I didn't realise the doubt that is in me. But I resolve to beolive it was God that said that to me when we prayed together as a choir in the bus.
Fast forward.
" Tempat ketiga dimenangi SMK St. Theresa!"
I was overjoyed at that point. Iknew this was it. St. Theresa, whom I thought was our fierce competitor was knocked out of the running. I clapped loud and hard.
"Tempat kedua dimenangi sekolah number 11...."
What? Was there a mistake? No.. no..
"SMK Batu Lintang!"
I was in utter shock. Utter shock. I couldn't believe my ears. Forget about the moment when mucus flooded my throat and blocked my airways till I nearly couldn't sing. Forget about the little moments when we may have rushed. Forget about my moments of worry. Sure I was sad immediately. Yet what bugged me after that was not that we lost but that little voice that I thought was GOd.
I was broken to pieces to say the least. I was 99.9999999% sure it was God. But God never lies. That means that wasn't God. Big deal? Big deal indeed. There are only a few times when I was that sure. I remembered one was when I was deciding whether I should join EBC camp and another camp. God says the other camp. My friend got saved.
Maybe you still don't understand but I'm so depressed that God's voice seem so elusive. I just don't know what is and is not His voice. How did the prophets listen to Him? How did the apostles do that? What those it mean by the Holy Spirit speaking through you? Lord, why can't I hear you?!
I'm tired. I rested but still find no relief. I got piano tonight and I'm even sure whether I have the strength to even play. I got exams coming up tomorrow and I'm only 1 quarter prepared. Am I going to be wiped out in this week? Just 2 weeks after a spiritual victory in church? Only time will tell. By the time you read this post, tomorrow will most probably become past. I don't what else to say.

Pray for me. My spiritual defences are thrown wide open. I will never allow Satan to come in.

Updates

Hey, just for your info, I'm off my depression now. Actually it happened an hour after I published the last post. After publishing that post, I listened to a sermon by a pastor from City Life Church Melbourne on depression (you should check out their sermons. It's quite relevant to us). After listening to the sermon,my tears just rolled out. I felt so relieved to find out about certain truths, that Elijah, Winston Churchill (president of US) and even Charles Spurgeon (famous Christian) also struggled with depression regularly. Depression not necessarily a demonic attack or a spiritual problem. It may as well be a lack of exercise or lack of rest. .. ha ha will explain more when I have the time. I know.. I know.. I still haven't update my penang trip yet.. wait la.. like what Sam has resolved to do, I have also resolved to study hard. Not to get straights A's but at least to say to myself whatever the result, "Jeremy, you have tried your best". Ta ta..